Unread Nonsense: Educational?

I started this blog in August of 2006 in an effort to prove to myself that my summer job hadn't rendered me illiterate. It sounds like a stupid concern, I know. But you should have walked with me one of those nights as I ranted to myself about the fact that Fancy Feast not only saw fit to make like 100 flavors of cat food; and not only deemed it necessary to create separate "Grilled Beef Feast" and "Sliced Beef Feast" flavors, as if cats could differentiate between the two so soon after licking their own assholes; but then had the nerve to make such similar-flavored tins the exact same fucking color, rendering cat food almost impossible to stock without causing an aneurysm. And you should have been there as King Soopers' late-night classic rock soundtrack (which is the same to this day) played songs like Jackson Browne's "The Pretender" and The Who's version of "Summertime Blues", and I became convinced that the playlist had been designed with the sole intent of mocking my station in life. And when the night crew took its breaks outside and spent the entire time discussing bowhunting excursions, you should have read my mind as I wondered how hard it would be to commit suicide with a bow and arrow (all I could think of was to shoot the arrow way up in the air and catch it with your brain). Because if you had done all these things, you would understand that I had gone a little bit insane, and it was therefore not at all inconsistent for me to wonder whether I could still read and write above a third-grade level.

So the day I quit that job, I started this blog. I decided to call it "Unread Nonsense" as a sort of lameass play on words, since "unread" can either mean "uneducated" or "nobody reads this". I'm confident that this site has lived up to its name in each respect. Until this week. Because on the heels of Nate's learned Constitutional discussion, I'm here to one-up him and present an educational post concerning something even more important to Americans' collective psyche than the Bill of Rights. Pin this to your lapels, fuckers: it's state flags time!

My favorites, in alphabetical order:

Alabama

Educational Fact: Alabama's state flag has won the Flaggy for "Flag That Most Perfectly Sums Up The Rest Of America's Feelings About The Statehood Of The Place It Represents" every year since the awards were created to drum up Cold War jingoism in 1957.

Delaware

Delaware's flag is a love story in one frame. Listen, it's the 21st century. It's sad that our society is so hung up on what consenting adults like to do with each other's genitals. That said, these guys are totally gay. And not because one of them is wearing pink; we all know that wearing pink doesn't make a man gay any more than liking The Notebook or being secretly psyched to hear a Corinne Bailey Rae song does (so shut up!). No, these guys are gay because of the besotted glance we catch them sharing, the kind of glance that in a single second betrays feelings that years were spent hiding. These guys are gay because the farmer on the left is trying way too hard to seem insouciant, with his aw-shucks posture and his hand in his pocket. He's not fooling anyone. Also, these guys are gay because they're masturbating a hoe and a gun, respectively. I don't know what ever happened to Vernon and William (I named them Vernon and William), but I hope their story turned out happier than Ennis and Jack's, or Romeo and Juliet's. Let's hope it was more like Allie and Duke's, though I'm sure we can all agree that theirs too is bittersweet at best... right?

Oh, and Educational Fact: "December 7th, 1787" commemorates the day Delaware became the first state to ratify the US Constitution. Of course, December 7th eventually became much more well-known for two "days which shall live in infamy": the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941, and the RIAA attack on Napster in 1999. The former forced the United States to enter into World War II; the latter forced me to pay for an Everclear CD instead of just downloading that one song I like for free (I know there were other file-sharing sites, but I was stupid, OK?).

Hawaii











Educational Fact: Hawaii became the 50th state in 1959, but its flag predates its statehood by over 100 years. It is the only state flag to feature the Union Jack, which honors Hawaii's friendship with the British during its years as an independent kingdom. After Hawaii became a state, President Dwight D. Eisenhower attempted to replace the Union Jack with America's flag, famously stating "It's OK for your new wife to be friends with her ex-boyfriend, but this is like finding out she has his name tattooed on her vagina."

New York

Educational Fact: The woman on the left represents Liberty, and the woman on the right represents Justice. Liberty and Justice are in a sorority at SUNY Oswego. Many people erroneously believe that Liberty is holding a Phrygian cap; actually, it is just some cap that she stole off of an old couple's garden gnome as part of her initiation. And while it is popularly held that Justice wears a blindfold because "Justice is blind", she is in fact very drunk, and is playing a game of strip "Pin the scale on the donkey" with some frat guys. Such shenanigans often have a price and this is no exception, as in the process of playing she inadvertently punctures a bald eagle's left wing with her sword.

Bonus Fact: Derek Jeter sucks!

North Dakota















Educational Fact: In a 2004 poll of worker birds, Buzz, the eagle on North Dakota's state flag, was named "The Hardest-Working Bird In The World". "It's crazy," said Milo, a carrier pigeon from Chicago. "Every bird I know would take one trip for the holly, one trip for the banner, one trip for the arrows. Hell, I can't even carry arrows. This guy, he does it all at once. He's a freak of nature." More recently, due to his skyrocketing blood pressure, Buzz has been advised by his doctor to take it easy. Predictably, he is said to have responded "Shove it up your ass, pussy."

Rhode Island
















Educational Fact: The following is a heretofore-unseen transcript of the 1897 meeting during which Rhode Island's flag was created.

John: I propose that the flag have 13 stars, arranged in a circle, to denote our status as one of the original 13 colonies, and as the 13th state.

Robert: A splendid idea.

John: And I further suggest that we include our state's motto, "Hope". Perhaps we could place it within the circle of stars.

Robert: Fantastic! This is shaping up wonderfully. And maybe if we just add an image within the circle... one that signifies hope... I'm reminded of Shakespeare here: "True hope is swift, and flies with swallow's wings". Perhaps, then, we could include some sort of bi--

Steven: (interrupting) Anchor!

Robert & John: ... ... ...

Robert: ... Yes, an anchor. Brilliant idea, Steven.

(Steven smiles and leaves)

Robert: I fucking hate that Steven is the governor's son.

Virginia

Educational Fact: Virginia's is the only state flag celebrating murder. Beneath the king's corpse is the motto "Sic semper tyrannis", which is Latin for "What now, bitch?".

West Virginia

(close-up)















Educational Fact: West Virginia's flag commemorates the date that zombies (pictured above) rose from the dead and seceded from Virginia. The slab of rock is meant to resemble a tombstone, and the flowers framing the picture represent zombies' love of pretty flowers. The state motto "Montani semper liberi" (translation: "Mountaineers are always white") was a last-second inclusion, replacing the original motto, "Uuunnnnnnng" (translation: "Flowers are pretty").

There you have it. To the states whose flags didn't make the cut: better luck next time. And to you, my twelve readers: just remember to thank me when you go on Jeopardy and "State Flags" is the final category. And Nate: Sic Semper Tyrannis.