Luckily for all of us, my attention span is as short as that of a guy whose attention span is so short that he can't be bothered to concoct a decent simile. So what ended up happening is that after I googled "I love summer," I forgot about writing the post and I started googling "I love" followed by random things and drawing definitive conclusions about their popularity based on the results - conclusions which I will maintain are correct for the remainder of my life. Because what better way to determine the relative popularity of something than to see how many people have explicitly stated on the internet than they love it? (That was a rhetorical question: there is no better way.)
So here for your learning pleasure are 25 of the things I googled (e.g. "I love [blank]"), ranked in (now-indisputable) order of popularity:
1. Lucy - 3,640,000
2. Jesus - 1,080,000
3. Summer - 427,000
4. Harry Potter - 241,000
5. Baseball - 240,000
6. Cancer (!) - 39,200
7. Apples - 33,300
8. Elephants - 25,100
9. Shakespeare - 23,400
10. Ping Pong - 14,300 (with "table tennis" 20,140)
11. Oranges - 13,700
12. Uranus - 4,340
13. Peeing - 4,090
14. Heroin - 3,160
15. Porcupines - 2,570
16. Pooping - 1,940 (with "shitting" 2690)
17. Tony Danza - 161 (with "shitting" 911)
18. Cutting Myself - 146
19. Canoodling - 25
20. Shawn Davis - 7
21. Renaissance Poetry - 1
22 (tie). Beating The Elderly - 0
22 (tie). That Video Of The Monkey Peeing In His Own Mouth - 0
22 (tie). Harpooning Whales - 0
22 (tie). Immature Blogs - 0
Before we discuss, I'd like to singlehandedly render this list inaccurate:
I Love Beating The Elderly!
I Love That Video Of The Monkey Peeing In His Own Mouth!
I Love Harpooning Whales!
I Love Immature Blogs!
Congrats, you four! Each of you is now as popular as Renaissance Poetry. Suck on that, Roger Ascham!
Roger Ascham is bummed about it.Also:
because none of you assholes has ever said this on the web. Fuck you guys.
Anyway, let's talk about the list. I'm sure you'll notice that I tried to compare things that have historically been linked and bitterly debated: Apples vs. Oranges, Pooping vs. Peeing, Tony Danza vs. Cutting Yourself, Shakespeare vs. Elephants, etc. The matchups were sometimes close (elephants win by a nose! woo!), but I think we can safely say that each of these classic battles has finally been settled forever. You're welcome. But beyond the obvious oppositions, there are some interesting results:
- This Lucy girl is more than three times more popular (which my pappy raised me to read as "better") than Jesus. Waaaah is right, Jesus.
- Cancer is much more popular than the mainstream media would have you believe. Maybe Iraq does smell like ginger bread.
- Porcupines are underappreciated.
- So is Uranus...but not by me.
- People who harpoon whales don't love to do it. Their high school guidance counselors are probably very disappointed.
- Summer is fucking awesome! I love you, summer! XOXOXO.
1 comment:
It has come to my attention that my efforts have failed to get "I love harpooning whales" and company at least one result on Google. It certainly worked when I tested it immediately after writing the post, but something has changed. Some might point to the complexities of Google's algorithm, or to my blog's breathtaking lack of popularity, but I'm going to go ahead and say that it's because Google is a shitty friend. You think you know a guy, then he turns around and sells you out to the Renaissance Poetry lobby. This isn't over, Ascham.
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