Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Obligatory Holiday Post

I almost forgot it was Halloween, the most evil of the secular holidays (OK, besides Abortion Day... and Earth Day). I get closer and closer to forgetting it every year. I'd say about 4 years from now, I'll forget entirely and just think that my boss has somehow been transformed into a big foam dinosaur.

Say what you will about it, but at least today everyone gets to be what they want. People who want attention can get it, and people who like to blend into a crowd are happy, too. I think we've all had one of those paranoid days when it feels like everyone is looking at us when we'd rather just feel anonymous. But today, as I walked in front of Peter Pan and behind a Giant Sperm, I realized that that type of day isn't very likely to ever be Halloween.

This post won't be very long, because I'm writing it in class. In a couple of minutes, I'll have to pack up and take the Buff Bus to the place I illegally parked my car. For anyone lucky enough not to attend CU, the Buff Bus just runs in a continuous 2-mile-or-so circle, and takes students from off-campus housing to campus. It's usually fine, but it can be annoying if you're running late, or if you're next to someone who smells like feet, or if you're riding it when people are packed inside, clown-car-style (especially if one of those clowns has the aforementioned "Smells like feet" distinction). The worst part, though, is riding LeRoy. To clarify, "LeRoy" is, for whatever reason, the sticker that's affixed to the front of the shittiest bus in the Buff Bus fleet. But if you thought "riding LeRoy" meant something else, and it applies to you, then good for you. Anyway, LeRoy sucks. It's rickety and squeaky and miserable. The tiniest potholes rattle your brain, and it seems counterintuitive to give students concussions just before they get to class. I don't know why they don't just get it over with and donate it to a prison. Today I was lucky enough to be riding LeRoy and standing in the aisle, when an abrupt stop-and-start made a girl slip a little and fall into me. Which leads us to the lame/awkward conversation snippet of the day, starring me:

Her: I'm sorry
Me: Oh, it's cool. I don't blame you for inertia.
Her: *Nervous chuckle* (Inside brain: This guy sucks)
Anyone Who Heard This Conversation: (Inside brain: This guy sucks)
Me: (Inside brain: I suck)

To be fair, I probably had a concussion. And, on that note, back to the Buff Bus. Happy Halloween.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Plot Outlines for the Next 3 Bud Light Commercials

  1. Two unshaven dudes wearing holey jeans and faded t-shirts find an ingenious way to sneak Bud Light into their best friend’s funeral: stash a few in the coffin beforehand. Unfortunately, they later find that their dead buddy’s hands have somehow become tightly wrapped around the bottles. Hilarity ensues.
  2. Two unshaven dudes wearing holey jeans and faded t-shirts sit in a room talking about what a bummer it is that they have to put down their Bud Light when they have to go pee. Guy #1 says “Check it”, and proceeds to demonstrate how he’s trained his dog to pull his zipper up and down for him. Now they can drink while taking a leak. Guys 1 and 2 clink their bottles together to celebrate their ingenuity.
  3. Two unshaven dudes wearing holey jeans and faded t-shirts lament that they can’t enjoy Bud Light and football on Sunday, because they have to help Guy #1’s legally blind grandmother move into a nursing home. Unless…Cut to Nana’s house, where Guys 1 and 2 sit on her couch, drinking Bud Light and watching football. Zoom out to reveal two scary-looking ex-cons moving Nana’s stuff. Nana pats one of the cons on the shoulder and notes how strong her grandson has gotten, but wonders when he started smoking. Guys 1 and 2 clink their bottles together to celebrate their ingenuity. Nana’s stuff is never seen again. Neither is Nana.