Oh no! Batten down your metaphorical hatches! The metaphorical forecast calls for 8-to-12 inches of radical liberalism, and if you aren't careful it'll get in your metaphorical mouth and run down your metaphorical chin!
But what an unwieldy, strained sentence. This is awful to read. I like that it's "the prevailing winds of value-free politics," and "the increasing global warming of relativism," but for some reason "the decline of authentic debate" doesn't get a weather-phenomenon pen pal to call its own. Or maybe all three are supposed to be lumped under "prevailing winds". But then how is global warming a prevailing wind? Whatever the case, this is not a promising opening paragraph. It's the verbal equivalent of an Escher staircase, inasmuch as Escher staircases are inscrutable and never-ending and really offended by gay people. And storm imagery is fucking tired, anyway. Me? I'd go with breakfast:
The smell of delicious quiche is wafting over Colorado. The farm-fresh eggs of equal opportunity for all have been cracked and whipped together in a bowl with the flour of progressive thinking and the half-and-half of separation of church and state, then mixed with the fresh tomatoes, spinach, and mushrooms of acceptance, poured into the pie crust of human empathy, and placed in the white-hot oven of homosexual fidelity for 45 minutes or until the crust is golden brown. Serves 2.
Pull out your umbrella. You're going to need it for several generations.
This is the kind of opportunity that traditional marriages never expected. It's finally our time to be counter-cultural. Get your tattoo now. I heart T.M. It's cool to be counter-cultural — just ask the '60s radicals, who, even if confused about fixed points of truth on occasion, knew what a good rally was about: romance.
The romanticism of the civil union debate and resulting legislation has the mystique of modernity on its side. Heterosexual marriage, however, is just so, you know, traditional. I'm encouraged though: If it's not cool now, it will be one day. We just have to endure a little bit longer as constitutional rights are eroded, in the name of progress and tolerance.
Man. If you were reading this horseshit without any knowledge of the situation, you'd think that Colorado just outlawed traditional marriage. Just to recap: this is a state that has a gay marriage ban in its Constitution, because its voters -- a lot of traditionally-married people, I'd assume -- dickishly and preemptively put it in there six-and-a-half years ago. Colorado's legislature just now got around to granting committed same-sex couples -- who still can't get married, mind you -- rights and protections almost-but-not-quite on par with those afforded to people in traditional marriages, and yet somehow in Sarah Huntzinger's suburban Christian mind, traditional marriage -- the only kind of marriage that fucking exists in Colorado -- is now counter-cultural. Amazing.
And which "constitutional rights" are being eroded? Is Huntzinger talking about the part of the 14th Amendment that's all, "No state shall ... deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws"? Probably not. That one seems pretty gay.
The passage of Senate Bill 11 by the Colorado General Assembly allows same-sex civil unions while it denies religious and conscience protections, promoting anti-religious discrimination in its failure to consider exceptions for faith-based adoption agencies.
This is what really gets Huntzinger's goat: the Colorado Civil Union Act won't let faith-based adoption agencies discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. My favorite part is that the 2011 and 2012 versions of the Act -- the ones that Republicans killed in committee -- did allow for faith-based exemptions. But this year, when the House shifted, Democrats realized that they didn't have to kowtow to shitheads anymore on the adoption issue. So Huntzinger is left to whine and gnash her teeth and lament the "anti-religious discrimination" of a law that won't let religious adoption agencies discriminate. It's anti-religious discrimination in that it's anti- religious discrimination. I love this very much. Skipping forward a bit:
The law is ripe with constitutional infringement, and serves same-sex marriage proponents in their strategy to silence the faithful from full and meaningful participation in the public square, striking at faith-based charities providing adoption services.
Yes, Sarah, faith-based adoption agencies in Colorado must now consider gay and straight couples equally, just like they must consider short and tall couples equally, or interracial couples equally. What a howling shame, huh? What an egregious abridgment of your right to deny rights to other people because your magic book thinks those people are icky. Also, the law is not "ripe" with constitutional infringement. It's not "rife" with constitutional infringement, either, but at least then you'd be using the right motherfucking word. Do you know what are ripe? The vegetables I used to make that metaphorical quiche up there. Delicious!
That about does it. Sarah Huntzinger is terrible, but at least she never compared her make-believe persecution to an actual, centuries-long struggle for freedom and equali--
If traditional families and faith-based charitable organizations can suffer this persecution long enough (and, believe me, Catholics know something about suffering), they may have their Rosa Parks moment in the future.